You're not behind - you're carrying more
There's a big difference...
Dear brave comrade,
There’s a quiet ache that settles in when we feel like we’re behind. It whispers in moments of comparison—when we see others moving through life with ease, achieving things we long for, reaching places we haven’t yet arrived at. To scroll through stories of success, love, healing—whatever it is you long for—and feel a pang of something sharp. Like you’re late. It lingers in the spaces between where we are and where we think we should be, convincing us that we’ve failed somehow.
And if you’ve ever felt it too, if you’ve ever looked at your life and thought, I should be further along, I want to offer you something that changed the way I see my own journey:
You are carrying more. And what you carry is heavy. And there’s a big difference.
The Invisible Weight We Carry
The world isn’t built with us in mind. It moves on its own timeline, measuring success by external milestones—career, relationships, stability, healing—without ever considering the invisible burdens that some of us have had to carry just to get here. The years spent surviving when others were simply living. The energy it takes to untangle the past from the present. The way trauma slows time, keeping us stuck in moments we never asked to be in.
And the thing about carrying weight is that it makes every step require more. More energy. More effort. More courage. Someone who has never had to bear that load cannot compare their pace to yours. It wouldn’t be fair. And yet, we do it to ourselves all the time. This comparison makes us feel even more self-critical. And yet it was not by our design (or consent more importantly).
Survival takes time. Trauma reshapes our sense of movement. When we’ve spent years in survival mode, our energy isn’t free to be poured into external progress the way it is for those who haven’t had to fight just to exist. That is not falling behind. That is moving forward while carrying something heavy.
And that matters. That deserves to be acknowledged.
Releasing the Shame of "Not Being There Yet"
So much of the pain of comparison comes from the belief that we *should* be somewhere else by now. That somehow, if we had done things differently, if we were better, stronger, more disciplined, we would have arrived already. But that thought only adds weight to what we already carry.
Instead, what if we softened?
What if, instead of judging ourselves for where we are, we turned toward ourselves with more respect for what we’ve carried?
Take a moment to acknowledge everything you’ve had to hold. The nights you made it through when you weren’t sure you would. The days you showed up even when it was hard. The fears you’ve faced. The wounds you’ve tended to. The courage it takes to heal.
None of that is evidence of being behind. It’s evidence of what you’ve overcome.
If you’ve ever looked at your life and thought, I should be further along, I want to invite you to reframe it. Instead of measuring where you “should” be, honour where you are—and everything you’ve had to hold to get here.
Because every step you’ve taken, even the ones that felt small, even the ones that felt like going in circles, has been part of your journey. Not a delay. Not a detour. A path.
And I promise you, when you arrive at the place that is meant for you, it will not matter how long it took. It will only matter that you got there.
Finding Your Own Pace
What if there was no rush?
What if the life you want isn’t something you’re late for, but something unfolding at a pace that honours what you’ve been through?
There is no one way to heal. No one way to build a life after trauma. Some seasons will feel slow, and that’s okay. Some steps will feel like circles, and that’s okay too. Movement doesn’t have to be linear to be progress.
What matters is that we continue to walk toward what we long for, in ways that feel safe, in ways that honour our needs, in ways that allow us to be both held and free.
Releasing the Weight
At some point, when we’re ready, we begin to realise that not everything we’ve been carrying needs to come with us. That survival required us to hold on tightly, but living asks us to begin loosening our grip.
This isn’t about forcing ourselves to "let go" before we’re ready. It’s about gently asking:
What am I holding onto that no longer serves me?
What stories about myself am I ready to question?
What would it feel like to move with a little less weight?
Self-Reflection Prompts
If you’ve been feeling behind, I invite you to reflect on these questions with as much kindness as you can gather:
In what ways have I been measuring myself against timelines that weren’t created for me?
If I acknowledged the weight I’ve been carrying, how would I view my progress differently?
What is one thing I’ve moved through that I never thought I would?
How can I honour my own pace with more compassion?
If I trusted that I’m not behind, how would I feel about where I am right now?
Healing isn’t about dropping everything all at once. It’s about learning what can be set down, piece by piece, in our own time. And with every small release, we make space for something new. You are not behind. You are walking. And that is enough.
Just before I leave you today, I just want to tell you that you can now upgrade your subscription for just the cost of a coffee each month. I will still write and offer free posts but it is time that I value my work - the time and effort it takes to write (and voice record) these love notes. I plan to offer more in this space going forward so consider joining me. You have the option of trying a month and cancel anytime. I do hope you get something from what I share though. I believe healing support should be accessible for all. The Podcast and Survivor Space Telegram group continue to be free.
With love,
Stacie x
This is exactly where I’m at and have been for a while. Looking round at others success while I feel like I’ve missed out and yet I couldn’t try any harder to show up in the external world. I will certainly use the prompts to look at this a little bit more closely. Thank you for sharing this and making me feel seen and less alone.