Why We Sometimes Self-Sabotage Our Healing

And how we can recognise and gently unwind patterns of self-sabotage

This post has a voice note version - feel free to listen as you walk, rest or sip your favourite drink.

Welcome dear one,

Today, I am coming to you from my desk on this beautifully sunny Monday here in the UK drinking my favourite coffee. My toddler is with his childminder, and so, I am here to write in peace. It’s took me a long time to recognise that at heart, I am a writer. This label always held so much prestige in my mind, allocated to those who are talented enough to publish several successful books. I realise now how limited my view of this word was. Yes, I am a published author, but actually, it’s the love of writing and conveying love and care through words that actually mean I am a writer - to me anyway.

I have been reflecting a lot this past week about how I am spending my time and whether I’m enjoying how I’m spending it. My childcare days are often packed end-end with work - whether that’s 1:1 client sessions or behind the scenes work that no one sees (Substack writing, Instagram post creation, Healing Theme guide writing, audio recording etc.). The other days of the week are most often solo parenting days with bits of work woven in too. This has left me feeling depleted and so, it’s about time I took my own medicine and make the changes I want to see. I want more spaciousness - more time to do the things that in a given moment, I actually really want to do. Today, this will include riding my bike along country lanes in the sunshine and stopping halfway for a drink. To pause, reflect and enjoy the spaciousness. Not sitting at my desk all day doing tasks that quite frankly I don’t want to be doing.

I have digressed from what I actually want to speak to you about but I also felt the need to share with you my own inner process of reflection. I want you to get a sense of the human behind the words here too.

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Self-Sabotage

This week’s theme is a big one - one that is very present for quite a few people at the moment and so as always, I wanted to give voice to it in case you need to hear it today.

Are you finding yourself pulling away from healing? Are you frustrated with yourself because you keep going in circles despite your mind telling you that you do want change? If your answer is yes, you’re not alone. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you or you’re unworthy of moving forward - it means you are protecting yourself in the only ways you know how to.

As survivors of trauma, it is heartbreakingly common for us to find ourselves caught in cycles of self-sabotage when we are trying to heal.

We begin therapy sessions, then bring along our mate resistance.
We sign up for the workshop, then stop showing up.
We feel the flicker of hope, then doubt ourselves into silence. We lean into connection, then find a reason to pull away.

And when this happens, shame often comes rushing in like a tidal wave.
"What’s wrong with me?"
"Why can’t I just be normal?"
"Everyone else seems to just crack on with it."

The truth I want to share with you - based upon trauma research is:

Self-sabotage is a protection strategy, not a personal failure.

Worthing Beach on Saturday