The day I finally chose myself

When I decided that I was worthy of healing and I wanted to put down the burden of my trauma.

Hello dear one,

Thank you for being here with me. Please know how much I appreciate you reaching out to me - sharing how my words are resonating with you. I’ve always known the power of sharing our stories - our lived experiences, our truth, our voices. But now, more than ever, I feel this here on this platform. I feel energised and inspired to keep sharing, always from my heart.

Today, I want to share with you the moment that changed everything for me. I find that people easily forget the place I once was, that dark place of not knowing what to do with the mess that lived deeply buried within me. In all honesty, it still amazes me today that here I am sharing with the world. That vow that I made to my 12 year old self to never share to another soul, felt so eternal and binding. And yet, the memory of this vow also reminds me that things do change and that there is a world of possibility; we just have to be open to it.

There were many moments when I considered drudging up the deeply hidden and heavily locked box that was my trauma. Times when the weight of it felt unbearable, yet fear always held me back. I would edge closer to admitting it to myself, only to shut it down, convincing myself that it wasn’t the right time, that I wasn’t ready, that maybe I never would be. Maybe it didn’t happen as I remembered it anyway.

Photo by averie woodard on Unsplash

What I didn’t realise then was that these moments of hesitation were not failures. They were, in fact, strengthening me. Each time I thought about choosing myself but turned away, I was gathering the courage I would one day need. The small sparks of longing to be free were building into something greater, something inevitable. The inevitability of the lid being blown wide open with no way of it being shoved back down again.

That moment came. The one that changed everything. I was sitting in the garden with my younger half sister, surrounded by the quiet hum of life carrying on around us. And then she spoke. She told me she had experienced sexual trauma too. That she was taking her perpetrator to court. Her words hung in the air between us, powerful, unwavering, raw. In that moment, I saw her strength—not just in what she had endured, but in her decision to stand up for herself, to fight for her own healing. And something shifted inside me.

I had always seen myself as broken, as someone carrying an unbearable burden that could never truly be put down. But here was my sister, walking a path I had feared to even look at, and she was doing it with determination and such beautiful strength. I saw her bravery, and it sparked something deep within me: the realisation that I, too, was strong. That I, too, had endured. That I had survived.

And if I had survived, then maybe, just maybe, I could choose to live. Not just exist beneath the weight of my trauma, but truly live. Free, unshackled, open to the possibility of healing. I wanted to feel inner peace. To feel freedom.

That day, I finally chose myself. Not because the fear had disappeared, but because the hope had become louder. Because I realised I was worthy of healing. Because I wanted more for myself than the silence I had been living in. The weight was too heavy to keep carrying. I was bone tired of it. If I wanted something to change, I had to do something different. I couldn’t change what happened but in that moment, I realised that if I wanted a different future, I had to choose myself and act like I mattered. Because, I did.

To the one reading this who has not yet felt ready to put themselves first—I see you. I know the fear well. I know the pull of staying hidden, of believing it’s easier to carry the burden than to set it down. You didn’t choose to carry this burden - it wasn’t your fault. And one day, you will have your moment, too. A moment where the longing for freedom becomes greater than the fear of what it takes to get there.

And when that day comes, I hope you choose yourself too.

Photo by Jei Lee on Unsplash

Take a moment to reflect:

- Are there times in your life when you have edged closer to healing but pulled away? What held you back?

- How do you speak to yourself when fear takes over? Can you offer yourself more gentleness in those moments?

- Have you ever witnessed someone else's strength inspire your own? What did that feel like?

- What would choosing yourself look like today, even in the smallest of ways?

- If you imagined a future where you are free from the weight of your trauma, what does that look like? What step, however small, could you take toward that future today?

You don’t have to have all the answers right now. But your healing is possible. And when you're ready, I hope you take that step toward yourself. And know you don’t have to do it alone. There are people like me that care. I continue to walk this path too. Consciously choosing myself every day. I’ll be here if you want someone who knows the path well if you want some guidance and support.

With love,

Stacie x